Jokes: We intend to publish an assortment of jokes and funny material on these pages. Since many jokes contain reference to some Nationalities, Religion, Colour or Race, Hair or Non-hair, Sport, Marital Status etc., we suggest that in case you are easily offended by such open material, that you may wish to skip these pages. However, a real good laugh or even just a smile has never killed anyone ! Laughing is known to be beneficial for a healthy life, and quite often is the only escape valve our busy and active bodies really need. If you wish to contibute towards the expansion and improvement of our attempt to create a little humour, then please feel free to e-mail us as many of your hilarious and clever jokes you can find. We will publish your submissions providing they are reasonably 'clean'. E-mail your material to : webmaster@silverpeers.com ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- By SirLafalot: Hung Chow is sick: Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work." The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex.  That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon.  You got nice house! " ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Telegraph poles…..: A Kentucky Phone Company was going to hire a team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two rednecks and a team of two Irish guys. So the boss met with both teams and said: "Here's what we'll do. Each team will install poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job". Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish guys come back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve. Forty-five minutes later, Bubba and Duke, the redneck guys came back and they were totally exhausted. The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?" Bubba, the team leader wiped his brow and sighed, "Duke and me, we got three in." The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!" "Yeah" said Bubba, "but you should see how much they left stickin' out of the ground! " ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- At last a real Male Blonde joke! There were two blonde guys working for the city. One would dig a hole, the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again." The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, normally we are a three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- By Rhymer: The Devil's Work? In the beginning ... God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated Earth with broccoli, cauliflower, spinach and green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ice Cream, Custard and Cream doughnuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And they both gained 5 kilos. And Satan smiled. And God created the healthful Yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 8 to size 18. So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the meal. God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken, and fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof. God then created a light, fluffy white cake and named it "Angel Cake" and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it  "Devil's Food Cake." Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained more kilos. God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra kilos. And Satan gave cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and sat before the flickering blue light and put on more weight. God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" and Man replied,  "Yes! And super size them." And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into Cardiac Arrest. God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. Then Satan created the Queensland Health Department. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's in a Brazilian? Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President, G.W. Bush his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident" "OH NO!", the President exclaims: "That's terrible!" His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in his hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks......: "How many is a Brazillion??" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- By SirLafalot: Quick witted A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy "half" a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they don't sell half heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy asks his manager. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some idiot wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added quickly, " and this gentleman offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the customer went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, " I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" "Queensland, sir", the boy replied. " Well, why did you leave Queensland? ", the manager asked. The boy answered, " Sir, there is nothing but whores and rugby league players up there." "Really!" said the manager. " My wife is from Queensland!" The boy replied, " Oh, is that right, sir, who did she play for? " -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A blind guy…. A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a bar stool. After ordering a drink and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, " Before you tell that joke, you should know something, the bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weightlifter. The lady to your right is a blonde and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy thinks for a moment and says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- No lies here A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favour?" "Of course my child, What can I do for you?" "Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated vibrating hair remover for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?" "Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I cannot lie." "You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'. The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son", he replied. Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?" The priest replied, "I have there a marvellous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used." Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father." ..... "Next!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- True or false ?    1) Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.   2) One of life's mysteries is how a ½ kg box of chocolate can make a woman gain kgs.   3) My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.   4) The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.   5) The nice part about living in a small town is that, when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.   6) The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.   7) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.   8) Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.   9) I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire. 10) Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes! 11) Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat." Now, I've forgotten       my address, my mother's  maiden name, and my keys, but I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to       forget to eat. 12) A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care. 13) The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him. 14) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they       kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day. 15) I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Advice from Ron! It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consider- ation is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other..... Signed………… Ron EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly three weeks later. The police report says that he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed up his ass, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Julie was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her "Not Guilty", accepting her defence that he  accidentally sat down on it very suddenly. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------          Back to:  Sir Lafalot's Home                                     Forward to:  Page (2)