JOKES  (2) The following contributions were sent to us by Donald D. from Bundaberg. Thanks Donald! The trophy wife Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.  At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?" "I lied about my age", Bob replies. "What, did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90." ----------------------------------------------------------------- Condom questions A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" He asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......." ------------------------------------------------------------------ Mafia Godfather A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has embezzled ten million bucks from him. His bookkeeper is deaf. It was the reason he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything that he'd ever have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million bucks is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says:  Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger." ------------------------------------------------------------------- The long drop One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. "Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly." ------------------------------------------------------------------- France re-visited An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!" The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- And here are some more from Donald D. Thanks and please keep them coming! Who shot the beaver? A 90 year old man said to his doctor "I've never felt better, I have an 18 year old wife and she is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considered the question for a moment and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a hurry he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went BANG, and the beaver fell dead. What do you think about that?" The 90 year old said "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver." The doctor replied "My point exactly." A seniors problem A honeymoon couple had booked a sleeper berth for their trip. However when boarding the train, they found their berths were both upper berths on opposite sides of the compartment. During the night, the groom , feeling amorous, whispered across to his bride "Come across here darling." She whispered back "How can I get across." The groom said "I have something stiff you could crawl across on." A voice from the lower berth asked with a chuckle "How's she going to get back?" A senior's moment? Two old men were talking, and one remarked that he and his wife had dined at a restaurant the previous evening, where they had a delicious meal at a reasonable price. When asked by his friend to tell him the name of the restaurant, he puzzled for a while and then said "Tell me the name of a flower."  His friend named a few, and when he at last said "Rose," the old man said "That's it "turned and called out to his wife "Rose what was the name of that restaurant we went to last night?" The winner is! A gas station in West Virginia was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time." A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex." Bubba replied, "No it isn't, Billy. It isn't rigged ----- my wife won twice last week." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dawn has sent us this little beauty! The memorial stone The husband dies. He had $30,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, the widow tells her closest friend that there is none of the $30,000 left. The friend says, "How can that be?" The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500, and of course I made a donation to the church...that was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks. You know. The rest went for the memorial stone." The friend says, "$22,500 for the memorial stone!? Good grief, how big is it?" The widow says, "Three carats." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- We are not sure who sent this one or if it is true, but it certainly appealed to us. Thanks for the contribution! Logic at it's best! The following was a question posed by the lecturer at a university exam: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law that gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell. Because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay constant, the volume of Hell must expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the tempera- ture and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Sandra during my freshman year that "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is endothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being - which explains why, last night, Sandra kept shouting "Oh my God." THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------   Back to: HOME          Back to: Sirlafalot's home           Back to: Jokes (1)       Forward to: Jokes (3)